Toxic personality traits to avoid

In his book Social Intelligence, Karl Albrecht gives many "toxic" personality traits that we need to avoid. All of this is part of becoming more socially aware of how we are bothering, irritating, or driving away those around us.

Some of these things we do unconsciously. Others we actually consciously do. In most cases we do these things because we get something out of them--approval, attention, etc. But if it drives people away, is this really helping us?

For instance, as a learner and achiever I often like to talk about things I have discovered, and I enjoy accomplishing things and take pride in this. Some of this is natural and good. But I have found that too much of this makes one come across as a know-it-all who shows off or as someone who is intimidating. I have had to learn to downplay these things--like the number of degrees I have--oh, wait, forget I said that :)--unless I am around someone or in a situation where "credentials" are very important. Seriously, some of these things come so naturally--we just think like this--that it is what comes out. Like the analytical person who is always poking holes in everyone's arguments, and irritating everyone around him. Or the person who talks on and on, causing people to never want to ask them a question. Or the super sensitive person who is always waiting to be offended.

Well, here is the list. As you read this, I encourage you not to think of other people who have these traits (which is what I did!), but at yourself. If you know someone that you really trust who is kind as well, you could ask them what personality traits you have that irritate others, and then seek to correct these. Not a fun process, but it might cause us to have people like us better.

These are the toxic behaviors:

• Withholding "strokes"
• Throwing verbal barbs, "zingers"
• Giving non-verbal put-downs
• Patronizing or "parenting" a person
• Seeking approval excessively
• Flattering others insincerely
• Losing one's temper easily
• Playing "games" with people
• Disagreeing rountinely
• Speaking dogmatically, inflexibily
• Bragging, scoring "status points"
• Violating confidences
• Breaking promises and agreements
• Joking at inappropriate times
• Monopolizing the conversation
• Interrupting others frequently
• Changing the subject capriciously
• Complaining excessively
• Giving someone the "hard sell"
• Insisting on having one's way
• Attacfking or criticizing others
• Inducing guilt in others
• Ridiculing others
• Shooting down ideas
• Giving unwanted advice

Not only can avoiding these things help others like being around us more, but it can help us in sharing our faith. This is part of being "wise" in how we speak with unbelievers, letting our conversation be seasoned with salt--not putting salt in someone's wounds.

James